Steps to Better Parenting-Part 2

Define Family Rules and Enforce Them Promptly

 

“The fact is,” says a sociologist at the University of Georgia, “kids fare better with clear rules and firm consequences. Without structure, children become self-absorbed, selfish, and unhappy—and they make everyone around them miserable too.” “If you love your children, you will correct them,” adds the sociologist.

Challenge: Defining reasonable limits for your children’s behavior and enforcing those limits takes time, effort, and perseverance. And children seem to have a natural urge to test any such boundaries. Mike and Sonia, who are raising two children, sum up the challenge well. “Children are small people with their own minds and desires and an inborn tendency to sin,” they say. These parents dearly love their girls. But they admit, “At times, children can be stubborn and selfish.”

Solution: Imitate the way God dealt with the nation of Israel. One way he expressed his love for his people was by clearly defining the laws he expected them to follow He outlined the consequences of disobeying those laws.

Therefore, why not make a written list of the household laws, or rules, that you feel your children must obey. Some parents suggest limiting such a list to just a few rules, maybe five or so. A short list of well-chosen house rules is less difficult to enforce and more likely to be remembered. Next to the rules, write down the consequences for breaking them. Make sure the punishments are reasonable and that you are willing to enforce them. Review the rules regularly so all—including Mom and Dad—know exactly what is expected of them.

If the rules are broken, enforce the consequences quickly, doing so in a calm, firm, and consistent manner. Note: If you are angry, wait until you calm down before you administer any discipline. However, do not delay. Do not bargain. If you do, your child will think that the rules are not to be taken seriously..

Establish and Maintain Routines

Routines are a major part of adult life. Work, worship, and even recreation usually follow set routines. Parents handicap their children if they do not teach them to structure their time and to stick to a schedule. On the other hand, “studies show that having rules and structure makes a child feel safe and secure and teaches self-control and self-reliance,” says a professor of psychology.

Challenge: Life is hectic. Many parents work long hours, so they may have little time to spend with their children on a regular basis. Establishing and maintaining routines requires self-discipline and determination to overcome a child’s initial resistance to conforming to the routines.

Solution: Apply, this principle, “let all things take place decently and by arrangement.” For example, while their children are very young, many parents wisely establish a firm, regular bedtime. However, bedtime should be made pleasant. A mother of two young girls, says: “When the children are in bed, I caress them and tell them what Mommy did while they were in school. I then ask them if they would like to tell me some of the things they did that day. They are relaxed. Often they open up to me.”

The father, reads stories to the girls. “They comment on the story,” he says, “and often the discussion drifts to their personal concerns. It never works if I just demand that the girls tell me what’s worrying them.” Of course, as the children grow older, you will want to adjust the bedtime appropriately. But if you maintain the routine, your children will likely continue to use this time to talk to you.

In addition, families will wisely make it a habit to eat at least one meal a day together. To establish this habit, mealtimes may need to be a little flexible. “I sometimes come home from work late,” says  father of two girls. “My wife might give the girls a snack to hold them over, but she always has everyone wait until we can have our meal as a family. We discuss our day’s activities and talk about problems, and laugh together. I can’t stress enough how important this routine has been to the happiness of our family.”

What else can parents do to  Improve communication with their children?

Acknowledge Your Child’s Feelings

  Children want and need the most important people in their lives—their parents—to know how they feel. If parents habitually contradict their children when such feelings are expressed, the children will be less likely to open up to them and may even start to doubt their ability to feel and think for themselves.

Challenge: Children are prone to express their thoughts and emotions in extreme terms. True, some of what children say is unsettling for parents to hear. For example, a frustrated child may say, “I hate my life.” A parent’s instinctive response may be, “No you don’t!” Parents may worry that acknowledging a child’s negative feelings or thoughts amounts to condoning them.

Solution: Apply the  advice to be “swift about hearing, slow about speaking, slow about wrath.” Note that God acknowledged the negative feelings of many of his faithful servants by having them recorded in the Bible. For instance, when Job was experiencing extreme trials, he said that he wished to die.

Obviously, some of Job’s thoughts and feelings needed correcting. But instead of denying Job’s feelings or stopping him from talking,God dignified Job by patiently allowing him to pour out his heart. Only afterward did God kindly correct him. One father expressed the matter this way, “Since God  allows me to pour out my heart to him in prayer, I think it is only fair that I allow my children to pour out their positive and negative feelings to me.”

The next time you are tempted to tell your child, “You don’t really feel that way” or “You can’t honestly think that,” remember  the golden rule: “Just as you want men to do to you, do the same way to them.” For instance, imagine that you have been dealt with harshly at work or suffered some disappointment, possibly because of your own failing. You express your frustration to a close friend, saying you cannot cope with your job. What would you want your friend to do? Tell you that you don’t really feel that way and immediately point out that the problem is your own fault anyway? Or would you prefer it if your friend said: “That must have been difficult. You’ve had a hard day”?

Children as well as adults are far more likely to accept counsel if they feel that the one offering it truly understands them and the difficulties they face.

How can you ensure that any Counsel you give is taken seriously?

 

Teach by Example

Actions speak louder than words. Words often impart only information. For example, parents may tell their children to be respectful and speak the truth. However, if these same parents scream at each other or at their children and tell lies to excuse themselves from inconvenient obligations, they teach that this is how adults should behave. Copying parents is...

“one of the most powerful ways that children learn,” says  an author.“Do you,. . . the one teaching someone else, not teach yourself?”

Challenge: Parents are imperfect.) As for controlling our speech, the disciple James wrote: “The tongue, not one of mankind can get it tamed.” In addition, it is not uncommon for children to try a parent’s patience to the limit. “I was amazed at how easily my children were able to make me lose my temper,” says a father of two, who is normally calm and self-controlled.

Solution: Strive to be good—not perfect—examples. And use your occasional poor behavior to teach a positive lesson. “If I lost my temper with my children or if I made a bad decision that adversely affected them,” says a father of two, “I would admit my mistake and apologize. This taught my children that parents make mistakes too and that we all need to work to improve our conduct.”  “I have found that because I apologize when I lose my temper, my girls have learned to say they are sorry when they make mistakes, “adds another father

Do not be irritating your children .When someone in authority says one thing but does another, this irritates children as much as, or possibly more than, it does adults. Therefore, why not ask yourself these questions at the end of each day: If I had not said a word all day, what lessons would my children have learned from my actions? Are these the same lessons I try to teach verbally?

Now you are good to go. Follow this seven steps and you will be the parent of the century.